


weigh me down and give me your devotion

by danverszorel



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Post 4x07, Pseudo-Incest, romantic kalex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-09-18 15:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16997577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danverszorel/pseuds/danverszorel
Summary: When Alex confronts Kara over the choices that nearly led to her death on Shelley Island, Kara is less than prepared for the truth that comes out.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Once the power dampening stations are destroyed, the rush of power puts Kara’s nerves at ease. She’s grown so used to having her abilities that being without them—or being able to feel them just below the surface but being unable to truly use them—feels like a loss. It feels like she’s not whole, not all she is.

She didn’t used to feel that way; for the longest time she could have taken or left her powers for all the good they did for her. She didn’t want them, she hadn’t asked for them. Clark had made them seem like a gift, but from where she was standing, an alien on a foreign planet, her family and friends and world ripped away from her in the blink of an eye, they had seemed only a burden. She didn’t have abilities on Krypton; she was just a girl—a girl with a bright future ahead of her in the Science Guild. She had been going to change the world. And then, she was just an alien with strange powers that made her feel like even more of an outcast than she already was. She had desperately wanted to return to that powerless, normal girl she had been on Krypton. She would have given anything to go back to being her. But once she became Supergirl, once she embraced all that she could do, all that she was meant to be, she knew she could _never_ go back. Her powers are an integral part of her, part of the reason she can make a difference and keep people safe. She wouldn’t ever wish them gone now. (She might be nothing without them).

She rockets herself into the sky, grabbing the explosive device on her way up, crushing the metal in her vice-like grip. She bursts through the ceiling of the Shelley Island monument, launching herself into the vastness of the sky, adding on some extra speed as she throws the bomb as far as she can get it with only a few seconds left until detonation, all the way up towards the atmosphere.

It explodes in a shower of sparks, cascading around her like a massive firework. It makes Kara feel good, the adrenaline burning through her veins like a drug. James whoops loudly, jumping slightly with exuberance. She flies down to where he waits, a man she doesn’t recognize standing warily behind him, a kind of muted awe overtaking his features. Manchester is no where to be found. Kara wants to go after him, to make him pay for his betrayal, but she’ll have time for that another day. For now, she and James are alive, and that’s all that matters.

He rushes to her when she lands, ground shaking slightly under the impact—she’d miscalculated the force of her trajectory. She only caused a small tremor, which is infinitely better than accidentally knocking down a block of houses when she was twelve in what was officially deemed as another—unfortunately—unpredictable Californian earthquake.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing tightly. She lets out a watery laugh, returning his embrace, “I could have killed you.” He says the last part quietly, for her and her alone to hear.

“It’s okay,” she whispers back, squeezing him back as hard as she is capable of doing without hurting him.

He shakes his head, pulling back, “I shouldn’t have compromised myself. Guardian has to stand for what I stand for, and I can’t let these people try to bully me into being their poster boy. Never again, I promise.”

Kara nods, giving him a warm, reassuring smile. “What are you going to do?”

“One of the things I do best,” he replies, a deep sigh overtaking his body, “Write about it.”

“I’m proud of you,” she says, reaching out to squeeze his hand. A firm denouncement and explanation of the terrible things the Children of Liberty stand for from the CEO of one of the biggest, most influential mass media empires is bound to have an impact. Even if it only stems a little bit of the growing hatred against aliens, she will gladly take it. Anything is better than the helplessness she feels at not being able to fight with any recent success against this kind of threat.

“Thank you, Supergirl,” he says, and his eyes twinkle with relief. She remembers when those eyes used to make her swoon; now they just make her feel safe. Winn may have gone to the future, leaving her behind, but her other best friend is still right here, silhouetted by the moonlight. She is reminded of just how much she loves him in this moment, how important he is to her, and how much she still misses Winn.  

The man hanging behind James finally comes forward. His gaze is guarded, regarding her with trepidation. She tries to smile her friendliest Supergirl smile to put him at ease. She doesn’t think she succeeds.

“Supergirl, meet Tom,” James says, clearing his throat awkwardly, “He was one of the Children of Liberty, but he had a change of heart.” He waves Tom forward, presenting him to Kara with a slight flourish of his hand.

Tom drops his gaze from hers, bringing it back up again before looking away, “James saved my life,” he says quietly, “And I realized I shouldn’t have let fear guide me into this.”

“Well,” Kara says, ducking her head slightly in order to meet his eyes, “I’m really glad you did. The world needs more people like you.” She smiles again as he looks up at her, expression twisted into one of stunned silence.

He scoffs suddenly, “Me? C’mon. I was a terrorist until like five minutes ago.”

Kara grins, “Maybe you were. But you opened your mind and your heart, and you made a different choice. Your own choice. You learned something and you grew from it. That’s an admirable quality in my opinion. Besides, I think that everyone deserves a second chance.”

Tom shakes his head, a somewhat puzzled expression on his face, “You’re nothing like what Agent Liberty says you are.”

“I promise you, most aliens are nothing like what he says they are. That’s what I’m trying to get people to see. Hatred does nothing but blind us and divide us.”

Tom nods, contemplative. He reaches out to shake her hand.

“Thank you.”

Slotting her fingers against his feels like a real win, for the first time in weeks.

 

~~~

 

“I am pleased to see that you are alive and well and did not get, ah, blown up,” Brainy says as soon as she touches down on the balcony of the DEO, dropping James from her arms. After a few more minutes debating strategy and Manchester’s ultimate endgame, she’d taken both him and Tom off of Shelley Island. She’d returned Tom to his home, free of the Children of Liberty at last. He had thanked her again and given James a tearful hug. James had promised to check up on him, and the two of them had then flown off for the DEO. Kara had alerted Brainy over her comms about the situation.

Brainy’s fingers are steepled in front of his chest, one of his eyebrows quirked in his naturally inquisitive manner. Brainy may be rather awkward and blunt, but Kara knows that his heart is always in the right place. After what Brainiac—the original—had done to Krypton, bottling Kandor and sealing Krypton’s fiery fate, she had been rather reluctant to trust someone with the same name and the same programming, albeit severely altered. That reluctance hadn’t lasted for long, though. Brainy had proved himself to be nothing like his namesake, and Kara had felt a rush of shame for judging him so unfairly simply because of his family name. What would Lena have said, if she’d watched her do that?

“Me too, Brainy,” she says, smile stretching from ear to ear. He perks up when she reaches forward to ruffle his hair, brushing their shoulders together. There’s a hint of a smile on his lips as he stands straighter under her gestures of affection. She knows this must be hard for him, living in a different time. She knows what it feels like to be an outcast, to miss the friends you will never see again. She knows what all of that feels like, so she does her best to be the kind of friend to him that Alex was to her when she first arrived on Earth, the kind of mentor she wishes she could have been for Clark. She thinks he appreciates it, he just doesn’t quite know how to show it.

He starts rattling off information as they begin to descend the stairs into the command center, barely missing a beat—his abrupt and rapid transitions still sometimes give her whiplash. He fills her in on some of his theories and on the latest crap that Ben Lockwood is spewing on his television show. He also tells her he hasn’t located Manchester yet but he’s scanning the city until he does. They get to the circular table at the helm of the command center, spreading out around it when Kara clocks Alex’s heartbeat. The sound fills her senses, curls around her heart, and soothes the frayed edges of her nerves. The sound of it is steady and strong, just like Alex herself is. It’s Kara’s anchor—the one thing she listens for to keep her grounded; the thing she knows better than anything else in the multiverse.

Kara looks up instinctively as Alex enters the room. Her jaw is clenched tightly, her eyes fiery and determined. She is the picture of authority and Kara can’t help but be drawn to her. Everyone is. The agents all stand straighter, at full attention, and acknowledge her with a head nod or a “Director” as she passes by.

“Supergirl,” Alex addresses her with a curt nod once she joins them at the central console, her voice raspier than usual.  

“Director Danvers,” Kara responds in kind, unsure why she’s a little bit breathless at the look Alex is giving her. It’s so _intense_.

James visibly blanches across from her, averting his eyes from Alex as if he’s trying to make himself less noticeable. That’s her first clue that Alex is angry. The second is her request, spat out through gritted teeth.

“Can I talk to you, Supergirl?” Kara moves to speak, but Alex cuts her off, a dangerous glint in her eyes, “In private?”

Kara snaps her jaw shut and nods. James sends her a wide-eyed apologetic look. Brainy barely stops speaking as she moves to follow Alex down the hallway. Alex says nothing as they walk. Her shoulders are tensed, and Kara watches as she grinds her teeth in an effort to keep from speaking just yet. Kara wants to reach out, to touch her hand, draw her in close, sink into her arms. After what she went through today, Kara desires nothing more than to retire to her apartment and bury herself in all things Alex. The yellow sun may recharge her biological cellular structure, but Alex is the one who recharges _her_.

Alex opens the door to the training room, the lights flickering on as she walks inside. It’s well into the night, so only essential personnel and those working some overtime hours are left in the building. The room is silent and empty, almost threatening, save for the sound of their feet against the concrete below. Alex walks to the middle of the room before she turns on her heel, rounding on Kara with a look that can only be described as fury painted on her face.

“What the _hell_ were you thinking?” She half-shouts, voice echoing around the room, the severity of her tone cutting into Kara. She flinches at the sudden volume of her words.

“Alex, I—” She attempts to speak but Alex cuts her off, her eyes on fire.

“How could you do something so stupid?” She shouts, stalking closer so she can shove at Kara’s shoulder. Kara moves with her, shocked at the physical anger, but she doesn’t want Alex to hurt herself.

“Do you not trust me? Is that what it is? Is that why you ran off without even _telling_ me where you were going? I had to hear from _Brainy_ about what happened.” There are tears in Alex’s eyes, fresh and hot and glistening, and it breaks Kara’s heart. Alex wrings her hands in front of her, nearly vibrating with her own emotions. Alex doesn’t usually let herself feel so much—compartmentalizing is her specialty. Kara feels guilty, knowing that she caused Alex so much pain.

“Alex, no, not at all. You know I trust you more than anyone else.”

“Really?” Alex laughs, self-deprecating and self-righteous, “It sure as hell doesn’t feel like that from where I’m standing.”

“Alex, it’s not—”

“No! You don’t get to talk right now. You trusted Manchester Black! Someone we _barely_ know. You trusted that he was telling the truth and meant you no harm and you trusted him over me. He told you not to talk to me and you didn’t. You listened to him.”

Kara averts her eyes from Alex’s, suddenly ashamed, “I didn’t…” she fumbles for the right words, “I was trying to do what I thought was right. I didn’t think that—”

Alex cuts her off again, “No. You didn’t think. You never think.”

“Alex, please,” Kara says, walking forward, putting them in the same space, reaching out, “I’m sorry. I should have told you what was going on. I’m sorry.”

Alex runs her hands through her hair, dragging her fingers down across the tired lines on her face, “If you want to work alone and make your own decisions, that’s fine. Clark does. I’m fine with that. But if you want to work here, with me, then you have to understand that I’m your _superior officer_. You have to report to me. You have to tell me these kinds of things. You can’t just fly off half-cocked because you believe that everyone is inherently good!”

Kara shakes her head, “Alex—”

“Kara, the world is not what you think it is. Not everyone has good in them. Hoping for the world you want isn’t going to make it a reality. People are ugly, Kara. They are ruthless and single-minded and they often don’t care about anyone but themselves. And you miss that fact because—” Alex cuts herself off, breathing heavily. Kara feels the words sting deep, because they’re coming from _Alex_. The person who matters most in this world. If Alex can think these things…that’s like a blow to her chest.

“God, you are just so naïve,” Alex finishes, fuming.

Kara blinks back her own tears now. She draws her arms across her chest, curling into herself for comfort, trying to protect herself from Alex’s verbal barrage.

“You’re naïve,” Alex repeats, and Kara thinks she repeats it because she knows that it hurt, “and you refuse to learn and now you won’t even trust me over random people because of it. I could have helped you today. I could have been there. I should have been there. But instead you just continue to bask in your own naivety. If you want to have such little disregard for your own life and the lives of everyone who depend on you for protection, go ahead. But I’m done. I’m so _fucking_ done.”

Alex spits the last words practically in her face, and she storms out of the room before Kara can even contemplate a response. The door slams closed behind her with an eerie sense of finality. Kara can feel her own sense of panic setting in—her heart starts beating faster, her hearing gets sharper, and suddenly she can hear things she doesn’t want to hear, can see through half the buildings on the block, and she nearly collapses under the weight of sensory overload, covering her ears and squeezing her eyes shut, trying to ward it off.

She hasn’t had an attack like this since she was a teenager, and a small part of her feels ashamed for letting Alex’s speech get to her so much. She thinks back, remembers what Eliza and Jeremiah had taught her about managing a panic attack that set off her abilities.

 _Focus your hearing on one thing._ Normally, that thing would be Alex’s heartbeat, but she feels too many conflicting emotions about her right now to choose her as her anchor point. Instead, she narrows in on James.

 _Find a grounding mantra._ “Unity, truth, peace, synergy, imagination, purity, justice, restraint, hope, industriousness, altruism,” she whispers, running through the Kryptonian virtues that had shaped her early childhood. She repeats them again and again until she starts to feel safer, and she focuses her hearing on the deep timbre of James’ voice until she can finally begin to regain her hold on her powers.

 _Breathe._ As Kara gets her x-ray vision under control, she gulps down air deep into her lungs, steady and sure. She feels grounded again, excess filtered out, although Alex’s words still cut deep, exposing emotional scars.  

Only then, once grounded, does she let herself cry.

 

~~~

 

Alex avoids her for the next few days. Kara isn’t sure whether she’s relieved or upset. Maybe she’s both. Alex really hurt her, but Kara also misses her desperately—being without her is like going through some sort of withdrawal. It’s a strange combination of contradictory feelings, but she’s used to emotions she doesn’t fully understand. 

Not talking to Alex is strange. She has no one to share her stories with, no one to joke with, no one to complain to. Usually, when she feels lonely or unmoored she always has Alex to turn to. Without her, the days drag. It doesn’t help that Alex will hardly stay in the same room as her for more than a few minutes or acknowledge her beyond standard pleasantries. It’s tearing her up inside. She’s angry at Alex for what she said and now for ignoring her, but she’s also terribly upset at what Alex said. She doesn’t know if she should forgive her or give her a wide berth.

Eventually, she comes to the conclusion that she shouldn’t let herself go crawling to Alex just because she misses her. Alex needs to own up to the hurtful things she said and apologize first, and Kara needs to find the strength to hold out until she does. Sometimes, Alex expects things to be fine after she screws up, barely realizing she’s screwed up, or she expects that Kara will simply fix things she didn’t break to begin with and save Alex the emotional labor. Not this time. Alex has to grow up a little. Even if it breaks them a little.

Kara lands on the balcony of the DEO after clocking out at CatCo for the day, wind whipping through her hair as the concrete buckles under her weight. She hurries down towards the command center, smiling at the agents who pass her by, greeting them all by name. Brainy waves awkwardly at her as she approaches; in contrast, Alex stiffens beside him. Kara tries making eye contact with her but Alex steadily avoids her gaze, firmly looking anywhere but at her. The moment she reaches the roundtable, Alex declares that she has to go run something by Colonel Haley and walks away. Her voice is icy, her demeanor closed off. Kara watches her go, aching to have her sister back, worried she might never get her back.

Brainy clears his throat, observing the way she clenches her jaw and tries to hold back her tears, “Would you…like to talk? I hear that that is something that humans enjoy doing.” He pauses for a moment before panic enters his eyes.

“Not that _you_ are human, that isn’t what I meant by that. I simply meant that you have lived amongst humans for so long that you have…acquired their customs. I meant no offense.”

Kara laughs, her grief momentarily forgotten, “It’s okay, Brainy. I know what you meant.”

He glows with pride at that, puffing his chest out slightly, clasping his hands behind his back, “Would you? Like to talk, that is.” Kara contemplates his offer for a few moments. Talking to someone about what’s happened might actually be a really good idea. But as much as she loves Brainy, she’s not sure he’s the right person to talk to. He’s not exactly the savviest at understanding the intricacies of human emotions, and that’s the kind of person she needs right now.

She shakes her head, “Not right now. But thank you, seriously. It means a lot to me for you to offer.” Brainy blinks rapidly, almost like he’s trying to compute the total of his emotions.

“Very well,” he says, nodding sagely, “You are welcome.”

She can’t help but smile at his earnestness. It warms her heart—in some ways he’s exactly the opposite of the person she was when she was stranded on Earth as a child, her home, her family, her friends—all gone. She was angry and depressed; he's sad too, losing the only friends and family he’d ever known to the past, but he also has an optimistic curiosity that took her a few years to grasp. She reaches forward then, pulling him into a hug, startling him off of his balance.

“Oh, my,” he says, unsure of exactly what to do before he finally settles on hugging her back, albeit extremely stiffly.

“Love you, Brainy,” she says, words muffled by the return of her tears. Brainy coughs in response, clearing his throat, arms squeezing mechanically around her.

“I love you too, Kara Zor-El."

  

~~~

 

Kara goes to see Lena.

It’s been a long time since they’ve talked, just Kara and Lena, not as Supergirl and Luthor. Kara goes to see her both because she misses her friend and their easy banter, but also because she wants to listen to someone’s opinion about what transpired with Alex that isn’t tainted by the knowledge that Kara is also Supergirl and that Alex is more than just her sister—she also runs a shadowy government organization that _employs_ Supergirl. Besides that, Lena is always scientific about her opinions, and Kara knows that she will give her a straightforward answer that she actually believes, unlike the kind of answer she might get from James or J'onn.

She fidgets with the shoulder strap of her messenger bag as she rides the elevator to the top floor of L-Corp’s building. Lena’s assistant smiles at her when the doors ding open, telling her she can go in. She thanks Rao that Lena is available—she really needs to see her friend.

She pushes the door open. She tries to struggle with it a little because she knows it’s a heavy door. She pushes her glasses up on the bridge of her nose as Lena looks up from her tablet at the commotion, a brilliant smile lighting up her sharp features when she spots Kara.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite reporter!” Lena gushes out, dropping her pen to the top of her desk and pushing her chair out, rounding the side of her desk and stalking towards Kara, arms open wide. Kara sinks into Lena’s embrace, closing her eyes against the comforting warmth of her friend’s body.

“Lena,” Kara breathes out, smiling against her neck. Lena’s heartbeat skyrockets in her ears, a crescendo of skipping beats. They hold each other for a few more moments, basking in the gentleness of their touch and the safety of being surrounded by a friend.

“It’s been too long,” Lena says, a little bit breathless as she pulls away, gesturing towards the couch up against the wall in her office. It’s become a favorite place of theirs.

“I know, I’m sorry about that,” Kara says, fixing her glasses self-consciously again as she smooths her hands down the sides of her slacks, dropping her bag from her shoulder as she settles into the softness of the couch. It’s ironic that she doesn’t actually need glasses—and they certainly fit right—and yet she has still developed the nervous tic of fixing them when they don’t need to be fixed. At least the habit makes her look more human.

Lena waves away her concern as she sits, ever graceful, crossing her legs in one fluid motion, “It’s mostly my fault. I’ve been so busy with my lab work and with CatCo that I let us go so long without talking.”

Kara smiles, happy to be back with her, even if it is strenuous knowing that she’s beginning to hate Supergirl and there’s nothing Kara can say to change her mind. Supergirl betrayed Lena’s hard-earned trust, and if Kara wants to keep it for herself, she can’t defend Supergirl at every chance she gets. Not only does it aggravate Lena, but it also seems suspicious. Why would Kara care so much about a superhero she barely knows?

“I actually, uh, wanted to talk to you about something.” She ducks her head and fixes her glasses out of habit. Lena’s open expression suddenly turns guarded.

“Oh?” She asks, an awkward tension filling the space between them.

“Well,” she says, twisting her fingers together, “I kind of did something stupid for a story.”

Lena’s features soften again as she scoots closer to her on the couch, “What happened, Kara?”

“I trusted my informant. I thought that he was trustworthy and I believed in him when he told me we should infiltrate a building and that we could do it together. He told me not to tell anyone where I was going in case they tried to come along. He said it was best if it was a small operation. I believed that he was good, even if he’d had a history of warring with violence. Long story short, he was playing me. And I could have gotten seriously hurt.”

“Oh my God,” Lena blows a breath of air out from her lungs. Kara can see moisture in her eyes, making the green in them seem to magnify; a vibrant, intense color. Kara’s always liked green eyes.

Lena reaches out and tangles their fingers together. Kara narrows in on the somewhat erratic beating of Lena’s heart as she winds her pale fingers around Kara’s; they are cool to the touch, calloused from handling instruments in the lab for so many years. They remind Kara of Alex’s fingers—cool, scarred, and calloused from using guns at the DEO—although Lena’s hands aren’t nearly as rough as Alex’s are.

“Kara, are you okay? Were you hurt?”

Kara shakes her head at Lena’s fussing, “I’m fine. Nothing happened. I managed to escape.”

Lena squeezes her hand lightly, but her gaze is deep and penetrating, “Kara, as both your friend and your boss, no story is worth your life. Ever.”

Kara nods, letting out a watery smile, suddenly feeling tears in her own eyes. They sit in silence for a few moments before Lena finally speaks again, her voice taking on a more teasing tone.

“I know you’re friends with Clark Kent, but don’t let Lois Lane tell you how to do reporting, okay? There’s a very thick line between safety and recklessness, and I don’t think Ms. Lane has ever walked on the side of safety.”

Kara barks out a laugh, “No, I suppose she hasn’t.” Clark regaling her with tales of Lois’ reckless bravery over the phone were one of the things that made her decide that following in Clark’s footsteps of journalism wasn’t such a bad thing. Science was her real passion, but she couldn’t follow that path, not on Earth. Not when that was Alex’s domain—Kara couldn’t bear to take anything else away from her after she’d already disrupted her life by coming to live with her. It would have been too cruel to deny Alex the one thing she felt was her own.

“My, uh, my sister, she told me I was naïve, for believing the best in people. She hasn’t talked to me in days.” Kara trails off, clearing her throat, averting her eyes from Lena’s piercing stare, “Do you think she’s right?”

Lena is silent for a few moments, contemplative. When you can move so fast the rest of the world stands still, a few moments can feel like an eternity. They certainly do now, as Kara waits for an answer.

“No. I don’t think you’re naïve,” she says slowly, thumb running against the side of Kara’s wrist, “The fact that you see the good in people, that you see things the way you do…that’s what makes you _you._ It’s what makes you a hero to me.” Lena glances at her with soft eyes, a slight blush coating her cheeks. Kara smiles, the praise slightly overwhelming.    

Lena exhales deeply, waving her free hand in front of her as she continues, “You’re a real, every day, human hero. You’re a hero because you _try_ to make the world a better place, because you refuse to let the world crush you into cynicism. You’re the kind of hero I admire, because you’re just trying to do what you can, and you’re not trying to impose your morals on the rest of us.”

Kara blanches as Lena’s impassioned speech turns rather abruptly into the kinds of rhetoric Kara has been trying to fight over the last few months. Kara knows Lena doesn’t care for Supergirl, but that kind of talk is dangerous regardless—even if Kara knows that Lena would never escalate her anger beyond her feud with Supergirl and take that out on other aliens just trying to make an honest living. 

Lena shakes her head, clearing the dark look from her eyes, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound as rabid as it might have come off as.”

“It’s okay,” Kara says, adjusting her glasses again.

“Anyway,” Lena continues, “Your optimism isn’t a hindrance. It’s not naivety. It’s something you should never lose, Kara Danvers. The world needs more people like you and less like your sister and I. Optimism is always better than facing the world with cynicism, and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently, not even your sister. Seeing the good in people doesn’t make you naïve. It’s a _strength_.”

Lena squeezes her hand again to drive home her point, “To be fair, though, your sister _is_ an FBI agent. I know she worries about you. I don’t think you should ever stop believing that people have good inside of them, but maybe in the future, no matter what, you should let someone know where you’re going, especially if it could potentially be dangerous.”

Kara laughs lightly. Lena has no idea that she’s fully capable of protecting herself—she’s the Girl of Steel, after all. But maybe she still makes a good point.

“Because you’re important, Kara Danvers,” Lena says, her eyes twinkling with a hint of something Kara can’t quite put her finger on, “We need to keep you around.”

Kara smiles—full and bright and happy—for the first time since Alex stopped talking to her.

 

~~~

 

Kara is dozing off on the couch, curled up under a fleece blanket, the flickering lights of the television casting shadows across her body when a sharp knock on the door jolts her back into consciousness. She tosses the blanket off of her lap, squinting to engage her x-ray vision. Alex stands behind the door, holding something in one of her hands, the other dragging itself through her hair nervously. Kara debates for a few moments whether or not to answer the door, but she eventually settles on opening it. If Alex has come on her own, making the first move to reconcile and apologize, then Kara is not going to dissuade that.

Alex stops fidgeting with her hair the second Kara swings the door open. Instead, she starts worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, shifting her weight between her feet.

“Come to yell at me some more?” Kara asks, unable to resist taking a jab at her. Alex flinches.

“I, uh, brought a peace offering, actually.” She holds out a box of freshly baked sticky buns from Noonan’s. Kara crosses her arms over her chest.

“Can I come in?” Alex’s eyes are wide and imploring, hazel eyes glowing in the low light emanating from the apartment. Alex looks so open and wounded, so emotional, that Kara knows she couldn’t put up a fight even if she wanted to.

She nods curtly, stepping aside just enough to let Alex slip through. She shuts the door softly behind them, watching as Alex sets the sticky buns on her kitchen table, pushing them to the center, before she begins walking around the apartment, keeping her back to Kara, wringing her hands self-consciously as she does so.

“I’m sorry,” Alex finally says, turning around to face her. She looks like she hasn’t slept in days. Kara’s heart aches for her.

Kara uncrosses her arms, stepping further into her apartment, the muted television sending sporadic colors flitting across Alex’s form. She closes most of the distance between them, noticing the way that Alex’s hands are shaking subtly.

“I shouldn’t have said those things I said to you. I know it’s no excuse, but I said those things because I was scared.”

Kara clenches her jaw, “You’re right. It’s no excuse.”

Alex sighs heavily, running a hand through her hair, “I don’t believe the things I said. I’m so sorry that I said them.”

“It doesn’t feel like that from over here,” Kara answers softly. She makes a move to adjust her glasses, only to remember halfway there that she’s not wearing them. She drops her hand, embarrassed.

“I never want you to change,” Alex says, her tone serious, “I’m the one who’s wrong. Hope is—it’s courageous. You show me that every single day.” Alex closes the remaining distance between them, reaching out with shaky hands to touch Kara’s chest, where her crest would be if she was wearing her suit.

“It’s what you stand for,” Alex continues, fingers pressing softly into her skin before she drops them, “Hope. And compassion for everyone, no matter what. I don’t want you to change. You inspire me with your selflessness and your belief in the good of people. Even people like me, who don’t deserve you.”

Kara feels herself beginning to cry, tears welling up, “Of course you deserve me, Alex. Don’t ever think that you don’t.”

Alex laughs, breathless and watery, “So please don’t change. All of that makes you who you are and I would never want to be the reason you dim your light. I’m sorry that I was scared. I was so scared of losing you.”

Kara feels her resolve break. She launches forward and pulls Alex into her arms, resting her head over Alex’s. Her sister wraps herself around her, soft sobs shuddering through her. They stand there for what could have been an eternity, bodies pressed together. Alex is the one who pulls away, wiping at her eyes.

“You’re not naïve,” she says, “You’re brave and courageous and kind and so many more things. I reacted out of fear, and I think I was angrier at myself than I was at you, but I still took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Alex. I forgive you.”

Alex takes a deep, shuddering breath, stepping back towards the couch, putting more distance between them. Kara stays put, because Alex’s heart is beating so fast it’s starting to scare her.

“I’m tired of waiting,” she says, shoving her hands into her pockets before ripping them back out, scratching the side of her head. Kara frowns, tilting her head to the side, confused about what Alex means.

“I’m tired of waiting for the next disaster to strike,” she says, a little more firmly. Kara is still lost on what she’s talking about, but she says nothing. It looks like it’s taking everything Alex has to get this out and Kara doesn’t want to make it any harder for her by interrupting.

“I keep telling myself that we’ll always have more time, that it’s never the right time when we’re in the middle of a crisis and I should just _wait_ , but then I always chicken out. And what if the next time disaster strikes, you don’t come back? You don’t come back and I never—”

Alex breaks off, trembling. Kara finally breaks her silence.

“Whatever it is, Alex, you know you can tell me anything.” 

Alex presses the tips of her fingers into her eyes before she runs her hands through her hair again in true nervous fashion. Kara watches her, worried for what might happen next. She tries not to let her anxiety show, focusing instead on sending waves of comfort and acceptance Alex’s way.

Alex takes a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut before opening them, letting the words flow out of her in a rush, “I love you.”

Kara grins, eyes twinkling, “I love you too, silly. Whatever you need to say, I’ll still love you after you say it.”

Alex groans, throwing her hands up in exasperation, “No, Jesus, I didn’t—I didn’t mean it like that.” She shakes her head, wringing her hands together, tears beginning to leak down her cheeks. Kara is so confused, but she can feel Alex’s pain from across the room.

“I’m…” Alex trails off, her heart beating a mile a minute. She wipes at her eyes before she finishes, “I’m _in love_ with you.”

Kara’s nearly blown backwards by the revelation. Alex? In love with her? She’s her _sister_. There’s no way that she could have those kinds of feelings for Kara, is there? It comes so completely out of left field she doesn’t know how to react besides a soft exclamation of “Oh.”

Alex suddenly speaks so fast Kara struggles to keep up. It all comes pouring out of her in a tearful confession, like Alex is finally unloading, pulling herself apart, “I have been for a really long time. I didn’t realize it until I…until I realized I was a lesbian, and then…I kept looking back at my life with new eyes, and like with Vicki, suddenly this just made so much sense. I just knew, one day, and I…I’ve been struggling with it ever since. I didn’t know if I should tell you, or if I should keep it buried, like I did for so many years…” Alex trails off, breathing heavily. Kara doesn’t know what to say.

“I broke up with Maggie because of the kids thing but that wasn’t the only reason. It was also because no matter how much I did love Maggie, how much I cared about her, I loved you more. I knew I would always love you more. It wasn’t…it wasn’t fair to her. She deserved someone who could be more in love with her than I would ever be capable of being.”

“Alex—” Kara tries to speak, to say anything in the face of this, but Alex interrupts her.

“You don’t have to say anything. Please. I just need to get this out.”

Kara nods, wanting desperately to reach out and hold her, but knowing this is the farthest from the time or place for that. Alex closes her eyes briefly before she soldiers on, tears leaking from her eyes.

“I’m in love with you,” she says again, like the words are a catharsis all in themselves, “You don’t have to love me back, I know you don’t. I just couldn’t keep hiding how I felt. Just promise me that nothing between us will change, okay? I couldn’t bear it if I lost you.”

Kara clears her throat before she speaks, still not sure how to feel about this bombshell, “You’ll never lose me.” That much she knows is true. She may not know how to feel, knowing that Alex loves her _like that_ , but Alex is an integral part of her life. She’s like an extension of Kara’s self, another limb Kara can’t imagine having to live without. Kara won’t ever let her go.

Alex nods her head, something like relief settling on her shoulders, “I should go.” She pushes off the back of the couch, walking as quickly as possible towards the door. Kara doesn’t know what she’s feeling, only that she doesn’t want Alex to go. She never wants Alex to go.

“You don’t have to go,” she calls out, voice cracking over the last word. If it were anyone else, she might be embarrassed at how desperate and needy she sounds.

Alex turns, hand closed around the doorknob, “I really should. I’m sorry.” And just like that she’s gone, closing the door behind her with a soft click. Kara is left standing in the middle of her darkened apartment, an absolute mess of confusion, and the only person she wants to talk to about it just walked out the door.

It’s strange; the one person she wants to talk to about Alex being in love with her is Alex herself. But this is the one thing she can’t ask her confidant about. This one she has to figure out all on her own.

Oh, Rao.

 

~~~

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

Things go back to normal over the next week, much to Kara’s delight. Alex texts her in the mornings, when something funny happens at work, when she’s tired or missing her. She brightens when she spots Kara, and they get dinner nearly every night just like they used to. Only now, Kara notices _everything_. All the things she’d never taken any particular note of before are suddenly amplified, thrown in her face, reminding her of Alex’s confession.

Kara now knows why Alex’s heart speeds up when she’s with her. Sometimes, she catches Alex’s gaze lingering on her for just a second too long, and now she knows why. When she giggles and Alex averts her eyes, blushing, Kara knows why. When Alex inhales sharply when she sees her as Supergirl, Kara knows why. They don’t talk about the elephant in the room, following them around wherever they go, but they both know that it’s there. Alex is avoiding it, probably, until Kara brings it up. And Kara is avoiding it, too, because she’s still not quite sure how she feels about it.

“Long day?” Alex asks, looking from a microscope as Kara huffs into her lab, plopping herself down in a chair.

“Yeah. Some anti-alien protestors got in my way when I was trying to help put out a fire.”

Alex shakes her head, “I know how hard this is to fight, but people will come around, I’m sure of it. You always find a way.” Alex looks back up at her, devotion shining in her eyes. It makes Kara’s heart flutter strangely.

“Wanna come over tonight? Pizza and television are calling us, I think,” Kara says, clasping her hands together in excitement.

Alex clears her throat awkwardly, purposefully avoiding eye contact, “I can’t actually. I’ve got plans.” 

Kara is taken aback. Since when did Alex have plans that she didn’t tell her about? “Oh. What kind of plans?” Kara’s not sure why she feels a pang of jealousy creeping up through her veins, saturating her, but it pushes her to find out where Alex is going without her. 

Alex shrugs, “I’m going out to a bar with someone.”

“Oh,” Kara repeats, and the statement is like a blow to her chest. Isn’t Alex in love with _her?_ Why is she going out on a date with someone else? That’s just…not acceptable. “Like a date?”

Alex shrugs again, noncommittal hum her only answer.

“But I thought—” Kara blinks, cutting herself off before she brings up the one thing they haven’t talked about.

Alex blushes fiercely, “Jesus, Kara. I finally got the courage to tell you how I felt. You didn’t feel the same way. So now I’m trying to move on. Okay?”

Kara stares, watching as Alex logs results from her sample. If Alex is trying to move on, well, isn’t that a good thing?  That’s what Kara wants, isn’t it? For things to go back to normal. For Alex to go back to being her sister so Kara doesn’t have to worry about leading her on or breaking her heart. That’s what she wants. Because she doesn’t love Alex like that, not the way that Alex has proclaimed to love her. This is the best course of action for all of them. Kara knows this. So why does it feel like a loss?

“Okay,” she breathes out, unsure why she suddenly feels like she wants to cry.

Alex changes the topic, and Kara tries to put it out of her mind.

 

~~~

 

Agent Liberty—Ben Lockwood—goes to prison, and that feels like a win. But then the president fires her for refusing to reveal her identity and put everyone she loves at risk, and suddenly, even though Ben Lockwood is behind bars, it still feels like he’s _won_.

Without their masterful ringleader, the Children of Liberty stop being as much of a threat as they were before, but that doesn’t make them any less dangerous—Lockwood’s wife is even the organizer of one faction. They don’t stop causing trouble, stirring up hatred, causing riots and protests, calling for alien elimination, chanting that Earth is for humans all through the streets. It’s almost a relief when Barry and Oliver come calling. The threat of someone changing reality is somehow simpler than what she’s been dealing with. Beyond that, it’s good to see them. They’re some of her only friends who know intimately what it’s like to live the life that she leads. But once they fix what’s broken, they too have to leave, and Kara goes back to her own uncertainty.

Thing stay the same for a long while. Kara keeps waiting, knowing it’s only a matter of months before something terrible happens again. She works alone now, although she’s hooked up to Clark’s watchtower. She and James have set up their own headquarters in an abandoned building downtown. Without Winn to run comms and technology like he used to in the early days, James often stays behind to give her direction from their HQ. Other times, the two of them hit the streets together, communicating through an open phone line. It’s hard without the DEO’s tech—that is, at least, until she takes a trip to Star City. Oliver lets her hang around for a weekend and she helps him take down some criminals. Felicity loans her some of their tech in return—high tech comms to embed in their suits and some of her tracking software. She lifts Felicity off the floor in a hug that reduces her to a stuttering mess, blush coloring her cheeks as she tries to avoid staring at Kara’s biceps.

Now that she’s no longer working at the DEO, Kara sees Alex much less often. It’s lonelier, out there as Supergirl, knowing that Alex isn’t in her ear, her voice no longer a constant soothing presence. She misses getting to talk to Alex all the time, to joke with her at work, to hear her heartbeat close and full. On top of that, they’ve been spending less time outside of work together. Whenever Kara wants to hang out, Alex always has some kind of excuse as to why she can’t come over. It hurts, every time Alex brushes her off. It hurts beyond belief.

Kara misses her so much. Her heart feels less full without Alex around her constantly, and she wishes she knew how to fix what seems so broken between them.

 _“You should just go see her,”_ James’ voice crackles through her ear. She can hear him grunting as he punches someone in the face.

“What are you talking about?!” She half-shouts, nearly falling out of the sky at how easily he seemed to read her mind.

 _“Alex,”_ he growls, and Kara hears the snapping of a wrist. Poor guy. _“I know you’re thinking about her because that’s all you ever think about. Just go see her, seriously._ ” His breathing evens out as he cuffs his thieves, and she narrows in on his location, speeding up before slamming into the ground in the middle of a dingy alleyway.

“Hey,” he says, touching his chest to turn off his comms. He pulls his helmet off, gesturing to the pile of groaning thugs. Kara makes quick work of them. In the time it takes him to blink, she’s dropped them all off at the closest NCPD precinct with a note.

He turns around, blinking in disorientation as he realizes his captives are gone. “I hate it when you do that without telling me first. My brain always craps out on me.”

Kara laughs, “You signed up for this.” He shakes his head, happy grin on his face.

“Touché. But seriously. Go talk to Alex. It’s been like…nearly a month since you’ve seen her. It’s tearing you up. As your friend and your partner, I need you to have your head completely in the game, okay? So please go.”

Kara rolls her eyes, shifting her weight between her feet, uncertainty flaring up. “What if she doesn’t want to see me?”

James groans, shaking his hands in front of her as if he was going to strangle her, “She does, trust me. You need this probably just as much as she does. And if she doesn’t want to see your ugly face, she’ll tell you.”

“Hey!” Kara shouts, pouting at the jab.

He grins, “But you’ll never know unless you try. Now go get your girl.”

Kara nods, pushing off the ground and back into the sky, wind rushing around her as she winds her way towards Alex’s apartment complex. Once she’s away from James, she lets herself blush at his choice of words. _Go get your girl_. The phrase implies something romantic, if she’s learned it correctly. It makes her stomach twist with something like anticipation. The thought of seeing Alex gives her butterflies, but that’s only because they haven’t seen each other in a long time and their standing is a little rocky. It’s got nothing to do with anything else, because Kara doesn’t like Alex like that. Right?

Alex’s window is open, allowing the chilly air inside. Kara flies through it without a second thought. She lands as gingerly as she can, her boots leaving a slight skid mark on the carpet.

Alex is talking to someone on the phone, a soft smile on her face, and she jumps nearly a foot in the air when she registers Kara’s abrupt appearance.

“Jesus Christ!” She shouts, one hand coming to rest over her heart. Kara can hear it beating double time.

“I’m gonna have to call you back,” Alex says, after she gives herself a second to calm down, heart rate calming with the speed of a trained soldier, “Something just came up. Yeah. Bye.” Alex hangs up, tossing her phone down onto the coffee table.

“Little warning would have been nice,” she says, hands on her hips. Kara is struck suddenly, by how beautiful Alex is. She’s in a beat-up hoodie and sweats, her hair messy and pushed back out of her face, a few short strands curling around her brow, but even looking like that—without even trying—she makes Kara’s heart beat faster. It’s noticeable too, because Kara is always hyperaware of how much slower her heart rate is than the average human.

“Sorry,” Kara apologizes, breathless, “I just really wanted to see you.”

Alex softens, “It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?”

Kara nods, fidgeting with the hem of her cape, unsure of what else to say. Alex is making her nervous, “Yeah, it has. I’ve really missed you.”

Alex’s heart stutters, “I’ve missed you too.”

Kara crosses the room in the blink of an eye, tugging Alex into her arms for a near bone-crushing hug. Alex hugs her back with just as much force. Kara closes her eyes, melts into Alex’s arms, breathes in the comforting scent of her—the scent that’s faded from her sheets since Alex hasn’t spent the night in weeks. She buries her face in Alex’s neck, lips pressing against the muscle there.

“Promise we won’t ever spend that much time apart again, okay?” Kara murmurs against Alex’s skin, barely waiting for the strained nod before she presses a kiss against Alex’s collarbone. She’s not sure why she does it, just that the urge had come on so strongly she couldn’t bear to resist it.

Alex inhales sharply, heart beat erratic. Her hands fist in Kara’s cape, straining against it. Kara kisses her again, slightly higher this time, before she gives in to the desire beating against her chest telling her to connect to Alex in any conceivable skin-on-skin way.

She trails kisses up Alex’s neck, peppering her jaw with them, her cheeks, unable to _stop_. She only does when she catches the corner of Alex’s mouth with the next one, and Alex shoves her away like she’s on fire.

“Kara,” she breathes, wary, sounding like she’s been running a marathon, “What are you doing?”

She has no idea what she’s doing, but her entire body is _aching_ for Alex.

“I don’t know,” she shakes her head, “I don’t know.” It feels like something deep inside of her is trying to claw its way out. She steps forward, trying to close the distance between them again. Alex stiffens, backing away, eyes darting around wildly like she’s trying to find a way to escape. Kara still has no idea what she’s doing, but she knows she _has_ to. Seeing Alex for the first time in weeks has her off-kilter, has her desperate and wanting and needing in every conceivable way—in all the ways she thinks she probably shouldn’t.

She surges forward, suddenly determined, backing Alex against the far wall of her apartment. Alex stares up at her, hazel eyes huge, breathing erratic, body trembling. Kara takes her in, feels herself fill with emotion. She reaches up to cup her cheeks, running her thumbs against her cheekbones. Alex shudders in response, one of her own hands coming up to grip Kara’s wrist. Kara leans forward, pressing her forehead against Alex’s, closing her eyes, taking in the proximity. She listens to the sound of Alex’s slightly fevered breathing, brushing their noses together as she tilts her head forward. 

“Kara,” Alex chokes out.

Their mouths are so _close_. If Kara wanted to, all she’d have to do was lean forward half an inch, and they’d be kissing. That’s not what she wants, though, is it? She doesn’t know what she wants. She wouldn’t be opposed to maybe kissing, at least not at this very moment. In fact, maybe she’d very much like to kiss Alex right now.

She almost does, she really almost does, but Alex shoves at her shoulders, and Kara moves with her out of instinct, pushing herself away.

“Kara, what are you doing?” Alex asks again, only this time there’s a hint of anger behind her breathlessness, “Don’t play around with me like this. You know—” she stumbles over her words, catching her breath, “—you know how I feel.”

Kara feels a wave of irrational jealousy flare up in her chest, consuming all of her rational thoughts, “Do you actually, though? Because it kind of looks like you’re dating someone.” Kara crosses her arms over her chest, trying to keep her emotions in check.

“Are you out of your mind?!” Alex yells, tears spilling over, trailing down her cheeks. Kara flinches. She’s hurt Alex again, without meaning to, “I told you that I have feelings for you. You said nothing in return. You ignored it. You wanted things to go back to normal. You didn’t feel the same way. And now that I’m—I’m _trying_ to actually get out there and date despite being in love with you—because I’m trying _not_ to be—now you’re angry with me? I don’t understand you, Kara! I don’t understand what you want from me.”

Kara tightens her grip around herself, tightening her hold against the comforting fabric of her cape, “I don’t—I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just—I’m confused, and I don’t—”

“Well, leave me out of it until you figure it out. I can’t handle you playing with my heart like this. You either want me or you don’t. Please just…don’t give me hope if there isn’t any.” Alex looks so small, so broken, so in pain, and it makes Kara want to hold her tight and never let go.

“I think you should go,” Alex finally says, wiping at her tears. Kara nods, turning towards the open floor-length window. She flies off into the sky with one final glance Alex’s way, taking in the way that she’s folded her arms over herself, hands shaking, eyes shut tightly, head tilted away from Kara.

She needs to clear her head, get far away from National City and all that’s making her so unfocused. She presses the comms in her ear open.

“Guardian, you still around?”

She waits a few minutes, unsure whether he’d still be out patrolling at this hour.

 _“What’s up, Supergirl?”_ His voice crackles in her ear a few minutes later as the connection settles.

“I think I need to go visit a friend. I’ll only be gone for the night.”

_“Do what you gotta do. I’ll be here when you get back.”_

“Thank you.” She clicks off her comms, swinging by their HQ to grab her personal extrapolator. She’s been visiting Earth-1 far too often, lately. She hopes her friends are okay with it. Right now, she thinks there’s only one person she knows who can give her some perspective on the swirl of emotions she's feeling.

Barry Allen.

 

~~~

 

She strolls into the speed lab the next morning and nearly gives Cisco a heart attack.

“Good God,” he says, clutching his heart with one of his bandaged hands, “Give a guy some warning next time before popping up out of nowhere.”

Kara grins at his overdramatic display, “But I thought I was your favorite Kryptonian?”

Cisco wags his finger in her direction, narrowing his eyes, “Don’t play that card with me, missy. You’re only my favorite when you’re not nearly sending me to an early grave. Do you want your cousin to be my favorite?”

Kara pouts, turning it up a notch, just like she does with Alex. It always makes her cave, and it does the same here. It’s probably one of her most powerful abilities.

“Fine,” Cisco relents, crossing his arms over his chest, “You know you’ll always be my favorite.”

A flash of purple and yellow lightning greets them as someone comes speeding down from the elevated track in the room.

“How was my time, Cisco?” The woman bounces on the balls of her feet, energetic smile dimpling her cheeks. Cisco returns his attention the screen before him, clicking a few times before turning back to look at the woman.

“Better and better, baby!” He shouts, holding out one of his hands for a high-five before he rethinks it, “On second thought, don’t do that. My hands are fragile.” The woman laughs, full and happy, her cheeks tinged with a pretty blush.

She finally seems to notice Kara standing there.

“Oh schrap,” she says, eyes widening comically as she takes in the glyph on her chest. “I’d heard you were here, before, and I couldn’t believe I didn’t get to meet you, but now you’re like, actually here, and—oh my God, you’re so cool.”

Kara flashes her her best Supergirl smile. The rambling is adorable.

“Hi Supergirl,” the woman says, rushing forward to hold out her hand, “I’m Nora. Also, XS. But Nora.”

Kara takes her hand, shaking firmly, “It’s nice to meet you, Nora. You can call me Kara.”

Nora looks like she’s about to pass out, “Kara, right. Wow. That’s your—your _name_.”

Cisco hurries around the side of the counter, putting his hands on Nora’s shoulders, steering her towards the door, “Alright, fangirl, let’s get you out of here before you have an aneurysm and I have to be the one to explain that to Barry and Iris.”

“Oh, come on, Cisco,” she whines, “Supergirl is my second favorite superhero, please?”

Kara frowns, “ _Second_ favorite?”

Cisco shakes his head, laughing in his nervous way, “Nope. Go to the lounge.” Nora pouts but does as she’s told, giving Kara one last animated wave before she goes.

“Sorry about that,” he says, “She gets really excited.”

Kara waves him off, “I don’t mind. I don’t think I’ve ever met her before—is she new to your team?”

Cisco scratches the back of his head, “I mean, you could say that.”

“What does that mean?”

“She’s actually, uh, Barry and Iris’ daughter from the future. But maybe, like, pretend you don’t know? I don’t know if Barry wanted to be the one to tell you.”

Kara’s mouth drops open, “Their daughter? From the future? That’s so cool!”

Cisco rolls his eyes, “Yeah, cool for you, potentially disastrous to our timeline. What are you doing here? I forgot to ask that. It's not normal for you to just be here.”

“I actually wanted to talk to Barry. I could use some advice.”

Cisco nods, “I figured as much. He’s upstairs, somewhere. Nora’s probably already told everyone you’re here. Speedsters, am I right?”

Kara grins, “It’s nice to see you, Cisco.”

“You too, Girl of Steel.”

Kara takes her time walking upstairs, basking in the silence of the winding, circular hallways, finding it strange to be on a planet without her Alex’s heartbeat. There is an Alex here, that much she knows. It’s not her Alex, but it’s an Alex all the same. It brings her some comfort.

Barry and his friends—minus Cisco—are all sitting in the command center, talking and arguing amongst themselves. She knocks on the wall outside before walking in.

There’s a chorus of “Kara”s before she’s engulfed in a group hug. She laughs, a warm feeling in her chest from the acceptance, before giving everyone an individual hug.

“It’s really nice to see you guys,” she says, squeezing Caitlin’s shoulders as she turns towards Barry.

“Hey, you. I missed you,” he says, his eyes twinkling as he wraps her in his arms.

“I missed you too,” she laughs, lifting him up off the ground and spinning him around. Iris rubs her hand soothingly across Kara’s shoulders once she lets Barry go. Kara winds her arm around Iris’ waist, pulling her close.

“So what brings you to Central City?” Iris asks, resting her head on Kara’s shoulder.

“Actually, I was kind of looking for some advice,” she says, directing her response towards Barry.

Barry’s easy smile turns serious, “Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we’re not doing anything right now—do you want to go to Jitters, grab a cup of coffee?”

Kara extricates herself from Iris, nodding gratefully, “I’d really like that.”

“Let’s go,” he says, gesturing towards the hallway. She follows him before realizing she’s still wearing her suit.

“Hey, Barry,” she calls out pointing at the crest on her chest, “Do you have a change of clothes?”

 

~~~

 

At Jitters, Barry gets a Killer Frost special; Kara sticks with a classic Flash. The two of them make their way to the small upper level of the coffee shop, where it’s quieter and more intimate. It’s strange, to be out in public without her glasses on and not worry about whether or not she’ll be exposing her identity by doing so. It’s freeing—like she’s finally just Kara Zor-El, no masks, no responsibilities, no expectations. She’s just an alien out for coffee with her superhuman friend.  

“So,” Barry says as they situate themselves at a small table in the corner, warming his hands with his cup, “What’s on your mind?”

Kara fidgets with the unnecessary sleeve on her cup before she answers, desperate for someone to point her in the right direction, “You know my sister—”

“Alex?” Barry interrupts, his face lighting up, “Yeah! Is she here? Did you bring her with you?”

Kara blushes, shaking her head quickly, “No, no, she’s actually—she’s the reason why I’m here, believe it or not.”

Barry settles, sorrowful look in his eyes, “Oh, man, I’m really sorry. Is everything alright between you two?”

Kara sighs, taking a sip of her coffee, “Yes and no.”

Barry squints at the cryptic words, “That doesn’t sound very reassuring.”

“She, uh…” Kara trails off. How should she tell him that her sister told her she’s in love with her? Should she make a metaphor out of it? Or should she stop beating around the bush and just say it outright? She finally decides to just say it—Barry would be the last person to judge her for something like this, “She told me she has feelings for me.”

Barry nods, his eyes suddenly going wide as he realizes the implications of what she’s just said, “You mean like? _Feelings_ feelings?”

Kara can’t help but smile at his awkwardness, “Yeah. A few weeks ago she told me she was in love with me. That she has been for a long time.”

Barry blows a breath of air out from his lungs, falling back against the chair, rubbing a hand against his neck, “That’s heavy.”

Kara nods in agreement, “I didn’t really know what to say. I think I made her feel worse because I didn’t know what to say. What _do_ you say to that?”

Barry shakes his head, holding his hands up in front of him in faux surrender, “I wish I knew what to tell you.”

Kara groans, letting her head drop against the table. She winces as she leaves a dent in the metal, “Oops.” Barry cackles before stopping abruptly when she glares at him.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, sipping their coffee, listening to the low murmur of voices all around them and the sound of the espresso machines grinding below.

“Do you?” Barry finally asks, “Have feelings for her too, I mean.”

“No!” Kara half-shouts, a knee-jerk reaction. She doesn’t have feelings for Alex, none that go beyond sisterly affection. She wouldn’t want to. What they have is more than enough for her. She definitely does _not_ like Alex.

Barry raises an eyebrow skeptically, shifting to lean against the table, “No?”

“No!” She insists, before she relents honestly, “I mean, I don’t know.”

Barry nods, “It’s okay to not know. You have time to figure it out.”

“I’m just…I’m so confused. I don’t know how I feel about the fact that she has feelings for me. I don’t know how I feel about any of it!” She breaks off, breathing heavily, tears in her eyes.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Kara, it’s okay.” He reaches forward, placing his hand over hers. The cool touch of his fingers is enough to ground her to the present.

“I almost kissed her yesterday, I think,” she whispers, feeling ashamed. She remembers the look on Alex’s face—the betrayal, the agony.

“But you don’t have feelings for her?” He looks confused.

Kara wrings her hands in frustration to keep herself from punching through the wall, “No! At least, I don’t think I do. I don’t really know. In that moment, I think I wanted to kiss her. But did I actually want to, or was I just feeling what I thought she wanted me to feel?”

“I’m sure Alex wouldn’t want you to feel anything other than your truth.”

Kara slumps down in her seat, sighing. She knows that he’s right. Of course he’s right. And she knows…she knows that whatever she had been feeling last night…it was _real_. That’s the part that scares her more than anything. How could she want that from Alex? She’s taken so much from her, demanded so much from her. Alex has already dedicated her entire life to protecting her; sacrificed her own happiness for Kara's. She can’t take Alex’s love from her too. She wouldn’t want it. Right?

Kara bites her lip nervously before speaking, “I mean, you and Iris are foster siblings too. How did you navigate it?”

Barry chokes on his coffee, spitting some of it out onto the table. Kara certainly wasn’t expecting that reaction.

“We’re not—it’s not the same for us. We’re not…I mean, we never called each other,” he breaks off speaking, an awkward expression on his face, red blush crawling up his neck, “like, brother and sister. Not like you and Alex do.” Kara watches the wheels turn in his head as he thinks. He frowns, scratching his chin as he looks back up at her.

“I guess we kind of were, though, y’know? It’s just that Joe didn’t force any labels on us or anything. He let us be whatever we wanted to be. I don’t know if you had that same choice.”

It’s Kara’s turn to think back to her teenaged years. She doesn’t always like to—there’s a lot of pain in those years, pain she often still feels.

There had been so much fear that she would be found out. That her powers would be discovered and exploited, that she would be connected to Superman and targeted, that she would say something alien, be too smart for human comprehension, that even Alex might slip up and say something that damned them all to the likes of people like Lex Luthor. The story was simple. Kara’s parents had died. The Danvers had adopted her. She was just an ordinary girl who’d been adopted into a family. She was Alex’s new sister, not an alien refugee with superpowers trying to find her place on a new planet. And if they weren’t sisters, then what were they? Why was there so much animosity between them? Why was Kara so strange? Why had they suddenly gotten so inseparable? If they hadn’t taken on the label that Eliza had always hammered into their heads, it could have been catastrophic; it would have brought up too many questions, caused too much unneeded scrutiny—at least, that’s how they had always felt.

Kara speaks tentatively, “Eliza certainly made a habit of calling us sisters. Alex hated me at first. We were the farthest thing from sisters for those beginning years. And when we got close…I guess we were so used to the sister thing we just went with it.” Barry nods gently, like he knows something she doesn’t. It’s unnerving.

“It’s not like Iris and I had it easy either,” he says, leaning forward to rest his weight on his elbows, “I was a kid who came from tragedy. I’d lost my entire family. I think Iris always felt like she had to watch out for me. She really settled into that role—she was my best friend. She probably thought of me a little bit like a brother, too. Even after I finally told her how I felt it took her a while to realize she felt the same way too. I don’t know that she had ever even considered a possibility of something more with me until I’d actually come out and said it.”

Kara nods, emotions swirling in her head. The similarities are uncanny—she too had come from tragedy. She'd lost her entire family; she'd lost her friends, her home, her _planet_. Alex had been tasked with keeping her safe, with protecting her. They'd always been something beyond definition; that much has always been clear. But were they like Barry and Iris? Were they meant to be something more than they'd begun as? She knows Alex wants that—could Kara want it too, buried beneath years of repression? As the silence stretches between them, Barry quickly hurries to speak again, confusing her introspection for anger.

“Not that you and Alex have to have the same ending as me and Iris. You guys are different people with different stories. And if you take some time to think about it, and you see something you didn’t realize was there before, that’s okay. But if you take the time to think about it and realize that all you feel for Alex is platonic, that’s okay too. Either way, Alex is still gonna want you to be a part of her life.”

“But how do I know? How do I know which it is?” Kara feels tears prick the corners of her eyes and she wills herself not to cry. The idea of not having Alex completely is unthinkable. Alex has always been there for her, and she worries if this doesn’t work out right, she’s going to lose that. She’s going to lose that bond that had always seemed so unbreakable between them, the one person who matters most in the world to her. Not entirely, of course—she’s sure Alex will always be there for her in some capacity—but it’s the thought that they’ll never again have what they did before Alex’s confession that has her wanting to rip herself apart to make sure it never comes to that.

“I can’t tell you that,” Barry says, scratching the back of his neck again, “Only you can tell you that. But I do think you owe yourself the opportunity to consider it, because sometimes great possibilities are right in front of us, and we don't see them because we choose not to. Take some time for yourself and think about it. I’m serious. I know how hard it is to be a superhero and to deal with your own emotional problems. It’s not easy. But even we deserve to take time for ourselves. We can’t protect other people if we’re falling apart ourselves.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Kara says softly. James _had_ said she was out of focus because she was thinking about Alex too much. And it’s true—since Alex’s confession, Kara hasn’t been able to think of much else, almost to the point of distraction. It hasn’t affected her while she’s out on the streets, but that could very well change, and an innocent person would pay the price for that. She has enough on her conscience already. Maybe she does owe herself time and space to focus on herself, on her own feelings.

Barry smiles, soft and teasing, “’Course I’m right.” She laughs, shaking her head; she’s so glad she has him as a friend. “In all seriousness, though, if you want to really get away and clear your head, you’re more than welcome to crash with me and Iris for a few days.”

“Oh, no, thank you, but I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Barry insists, his warm and sympathetic smile back in full force, “Promise. We can all cuddle on the couch, have a movie marathon, and eat tons of ice cream and popcorn. What do you say?” Kara can feel her resolve crumbling. It would be much better to sort through her feelings with supportive friends instead of flying off to the Fortress alone. Friends is definitely better. Barry gives her what she assumes is puppy dog eyes and she can’t help the smile that overtakes her.

“Yeah, okay. I’d really like that. Thank you.”

He grins cheekily, “Anything for my superfriend.”   

 

~~~

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so many fic ideas are swirling around in my brain it's a near miracle i got even half of this one out...thank you for reading!!!! if you wanna find me on tumblr and yell about kalex, i've recently become danvcrszorel over there :)


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